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Blonde and Blonder (A PopEntertainment.com Movie Review)

Blonde and Blonder

Blonde and Blonder

BLONDE AND BLONDER (2008)

Starring Pamela Anderson, Denise Richards, Emmanuelle Vaugier, Meghan Ory, Joey Aresco, Gary Chalk, Jay Brazeau, Woody Jeffreys, Kevin Farley, John Farley, Byron Mann, Patrick Pon, Phoenix Ly, Douglass Newell and Alex Bruhanski.

Screenplay by Rolfe Kanefsky, Dean Hamilton and Gerry Anderson.

Directed by Dean Hamilton.

Distributed by First Look Studios.  94 minutes.  Rated PG-13.

There are tens of thousands of struggling screenwriters in the world — most of whom can not get a sniff of a money person willing to finance the scripts that the writers spent many tortuous hours bringing to life.

So how is it possible that a completely amateurish movie like Blonde and Blonder was ever made?

Could it be that the film was co-written by one Gerry Anderson — brother of star Pamela Anderson?

Hmmm…

Of course saying this film is actually written is stretching it a bit.  Remember 10-20 years ago when blonde jokes were the rage for all of a few months?  Well, Blonde and Blonder is a whole series of blonde jokes sewn together to feature length.

To give you an idea of the subtle humor of Blonde and Blonder, the main characters’ names are Dee Twiddle and Dawn St. Dom.  Huh???  Also, they actually literally film one of the most ridiculous blonde jokes of many years ago — a blonde woman getting fired from a secretarial job because she used white out on a computer monitor.

Of course, Gerry isn’t the only desperate-looking Anderson coming out of Blonde and Blonder.  Pam may have needed to make this vanity piece, too, because, (and I know this is not nice to say…) for a woman who has made a living from her sexiness, Pammy is looking awfully haggard here.  There’s nothing sadder than a woman in her 40s who still thinks she is as beautiful as she was 20 years before.  In Hollywood, where there are always newer, younger, better-looking dumb blondes everywhere you look, if Pammy doesn’t spend her own money to make this sad little movie, maybe she’ll end up — oh, I don’t know, working as a magician’s assistant in Las Vegas and getting married and divorced regularly to keep her name in the gossip rags…

Also known now for her divorce and gossip is Denise Richards — who at least still looks the part for the most part.  She has fun with the dumb laughs, but this movie is also undoubtedly a desperate last act in her career.  (Next stop — no kidding, it’s already in the works — is a reality TV series.)

The only person who makes it out sorta-unscathed is Emmanuelle Vaugier as a sexy contract killer called the Cat.  Not that what she is given to say and do is any better than any of the others, but she actually has some acting talent.  However between this and her simultaneous straight-to-video release of Bachelor Party 2, I’m afraid that her career high point is always going to be playing the woman that Charlie Sheen almost married on Two and a Half Men.  (Vaugier has now recently worked with both Sheen and bitter ex-wife Richards — oh, to have been a fly on the wall when that was discussed on the Blonde and Blonder set…)  And, also, frankly, despite her lack of blondeness, Vaugier is much more attractive than her co-stars.

The rest of the cast is awe-inspiring in its inability to act.  If you think Pam and her brother are the nepotism low point, check out Chris Farley’s two even-less-talented brothers giving weak ad-libs and riffs as a pair of bickering low-level wise guys who somehow get assigned to this supposedly vital life and death case.  How did they get this job?  Other than the fact that they have a slightly famous last name and one of them resembles their late brother, they bring nothing but pain to the table.  It will make you nostalgic for the sweet comic nature of Beverly Hills Ninja and Black Sheep.

Even in it’s own little sleazy exploitative way, Blonde and Blonder comes up lame.  I mean, come on, you have two stars who are most famous for their nudity — Anderson in Playboy and Richards (who has also appeared in that mag) for her steamy scenes in Wild Things — who was the bright bulb who decided to make sure this movie was PG-13?  After all, Pam is a little long in the tooth (and Denise, who is still more attractive, is getting there) to really be a draw for the under-seventeen crowd… so why not throw in a little gratuitous nudity?  It would have been the only marginally entertaining part in this otherwise staggeringly inept film.

Dave Strohler

Copyright ©2008 PopEntertainment.com.  All rights reserved.  Posted: February 29, 2008.

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