Season Two Uncensored (Paramount Home Video-2010)
That sound you hear is not your brain cells slowly shriveling, nor is it your soul dying just a little bit. No, it is merely the return of Jersey Shore.
Not that the second season of Jersey Shore actually takes place in New Jersey. This time out your JS posse is flown down to a McMansion in beautiful Miami Beach (I suppose MTV thought it would confuse its stars if they were to rename the series to a more geographically appropriate title like Florida Shore.). These kids go to Miami to prove yet again MTV’s prime programming directive: that no one is too drunk or too stupid to become briefly famous in this media-saturated world.
Of course, all too often that means that people become famous simply for being drunk and stupid.
Welcome to the world of reality TV, where Paris and Kim are goddesses and deep thought is not merely frowned upon but is actually an alien concept.
And our group of Jerseyites, wearing absurd nicknames and not much else, are pros at drunk and stupid. Snooki, The Situation, Pauly D, Vinny, Sammi, Ronni, Angelina and J-WOWW are awe-inspiring in their supreme abilities to pound shots and pound each other and also for their complete inability to form a coherent sentence.
I grew up going to the Jersey shore every summer and I know the type well – a bunch of drunken hardbody goofballs whose greatest aspiration is to being meatheads or skanks. They play musical beds, vomit entirely too much and rarely make a statement which does not include a curse word. (And, by the way, the “Uncensored” in the DVD title means that all that cursing is not bleeped out as it was on MTV – but the nudity is still blurred and covered up, so it is at least partially censored.)
But, don’t worry. Censored or not, it is still Jersey Shore, which means that you’ll get more than your fill of huge hair, tiny bathing suits, goofy accents, dry heaving and dry humping. You just won’t get to see Snooki’s cookie, the Situation’s muscle or J-WOWW’s va-J-WOWW. And, honestly, that’s not all that big of a loss. If you really need to see that, just wait for the inevitable Playboy pictorials in two or three years when the rest of the world is trying desperately to forget this show ever happened.
So, what do you get with Jersey Shore – Season Two Sorta-censored?
Drinking – on camera. Fucking – off camera. Cheating – everywhere. Bitch-slapping – on camera. Stomach pumping – off camera. Crying, moaning, bitching, fighting, flirting, teasing, partying, and more “How you doin’?”s and “fuggedaboudit”s than a road company mash-up of Friends and The Sopranos.
At least, I think that is what happened, because if there was even one articulate statement uttered in the entire season’s worth of episodes, I can’t recall it.
But, that’s okay, because nothing that any of them have ever said really matters even a whit in the real world – or even on The Real World, a former MTV series which suddenly feels scholarly and positively incisive on the human condition by comparison.
Jersey Shore is just a celebration of all that is shallow – of getting buff, getting laid and getting shitfaced – starring a group of losers who don’t care about each other or themselves. So why should we?
Once upon a time, it was considered to be a failing to become famous without any particular talent or reason. However, Jersey Shore is a proud celebration of debauchery and mediocrity.
Enjoy your fifteen minutes, guys. You’re going to be boring people trying to relive these days for the rest of your pathetic lives – long after we all have forgotten who you are or why we would possibly have ever cared.
Jay S. Jacobs
Copyright ©2010 PopEntertainment.com. All rights reserved. Posted: December 27, 2010.